PTSD and a broken heart...

On September 13, 2016, I posted pictures of a horse named Poncho on Facebook. They were pictures of abrasions he had received earlier that morning from a fall he’d taken on a ride we were on.  In the post I mentioned I’d tell the rest of the story but never did. 

I also haven’t shared what lead to me re-homing Sadie, my horse.  The stories are tied together and everything happened so quickly but also in slow motion that there was no time to tell tales about it. 

A few days before the 13th, I started a doing cleanse.  I also started doing research for what would become The Intensive, which was all about the subconscious.  I was riding Sadie six days a week most weeks taking her high up in the hills for a few hours.  We rode mostly by ourselves.  Our rides were without incident for the most part.  She was three, which is a young horse.  She’d been under saddle four months when I took over the reins.  She had a good mind and was trained with an even hand.

I’d been thinking about how I wasn’t having as much fun as I thought I’d have owning a horse.  I had moved Sadie to a small private barn, which I thought would be better for her and me because I’d be able to do the Equine work and see clients in a beautiful and private setting.  She’d get longer turn outs and an in-and-out stall with horse neighbors on either side that she could connect with. What I didn’t take into account was that there would be fewer people to ride with and that I’d end up riding a lot by myself.  There was also the property owner that turned out to be controlling.  He liked things in a very specific way and had become unapproachable when I had concerns, berating me when I asked questions about the behavior of young horses. One of his diatribes lasted over an hour with another border joining in.  

On September 13, 2016, I planned on taking Sadie up to Amir’s Garden in Griffith Park. It was one of my favorite rides. We were riding out towards the hills when I heard a horse behind us calling out.  Before too long that horse, Poncho and his rider were next to us.  The rider, Worms, was a jovial guy, super nice, and goofy with crazy white long hair going in every direction under his baseball cap.  They were heading in the same direction so we decided to ride together.  Our conversation didn’t stop and I realized that I was finally having fun.  I was thankful. We decided to go for an even longer ride up a trail I hadn’t been on before.  

Worms liked to lope his horse in certain spots.  He asked if I was all right with that and I said yes.  Horses are quick to form mini herds so when one horse takes off the other tends to want to go especially if the relationship with the horse and its rider isn’t solid.  Sadie wanted to go and I was fine with it.  We did our first two lopes together.  It was awesome and I thought, wow, finally.  This is a blast. 

We were almost to the top of the mountain, way out in the hills when Worms asked me if I wanted to lope again.  I said, “Sure.”  Worms and Poncho started and Sadie and I were quick to follow.  Five steps in, Poncho suddenly tripped and summersaulted over his right shoulder on to his face with Worms slamming down on his right side and scurrying out from underneath Poncho just in time not to be crushed.  Sadie and I halted.  Poncho got up with a bloody face, knees, and chest. He stood stunned for a minute and then slow trotted down the hill a bit before stopping.  Worms got up with a bloody elbow but otherwise miraculously ok.  When he went down to get Poncho, Poncho was so spooked he almost backed off the trail. 

Sadie and I were both shaken but ok. We decided it was best for me to stay on Sadie and for Worms to walk Poncho since we didn’t know the extent of his injuries.  We all stayed together for another two hours and then once Sadie and I knew where we were we continued on our way with Worms blessing.  

I didn’t know what to make of what just happened.  We were in the middle of nowhere.  Riding in Griffith Park there are so many elements that are spooky for horses but there was nothing, just us loping up a hill. 

The next time Sadie and I went for a ride, she wouldn’t go up into the hills and acted up. I wasn’t sure if it was me, the subconscious at work, the cleanse, was she not feeling good?  I had no idea. What I did know is I felt helpless, raw, vulnerable, humbled, not good enough, and that’s when I ran into my trainer.   He said he’d put some rides on her, set her right and then all would be well. 

Knowing he was riding her, took me off the hook. When I no longer needed to think about riding I found such relief.  I soon realized how riddled with anxiety I had become.  I had been waking up everyday in a panic.  I had been eating emotionally before I started doing the cleanse.  I was constantly irritated and having angry outbursts while driving and sometimes with Cole, my son. I was easily startled and jumpy.  I was constantly on guard. I felt emotionally cut off from others. I’d have flashbacks to riding Sadie when things went wrong or when something spooky came at us, which happened all the time.  These are all symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD.  Over the months of riding Sadie I had developed PTSD.  PTSD is a sly little fox. 

I still did not realize how bad it had become until three weeks later when I got the call that she was ready for me to ride again.  I groomed and saddled her like I had a hundred times before but something felt different.  I was supposed to meet my trainer out on the perimeter.  I went around once but I felt the fear.  Everything terrified me and I could not calm myself down.  I couldn’t get my physiology to calm down.  Horses are so sensitive, I knew I felt awful to Sadie and this wasn’t fair to her. It’s the worse thing you can do to a young horse. 

When I couldn’t get her to go past the bridge that would take us home, I gave up.  I had no one there to help me through it, I felt alone and scared.  I knew I couldn’t do it.  I headed back to the barn and started to untack her knowing that every time I gave into her I was teaching her not to respect me.  So many lessons. My trainer texted me, where are you?  I told him, I went around the perimeter and you weren’t there.  I couldn’t get her to continue so I came in.  He told me to meet him in Eater Field behind the barn.  

He watched us ride in a circle and he too could feel something was off.

“I don’t know what you have going on, maybe something in your life, are you anxious,” he asked. 

“I’m afraid,” I broke down. 

“Maybe you need an older horse because something isn't right.  You guys are not a good fit.” 

Heartbroken, I melted down to the ground and sobbed as Sadie nudged my head.  

By then I had already been in contact with Crystal, a woman on Facebook who had been looking for a horse exactly like Sadie.  She was very interested but a week before I had told her I wasn’t going to sell Sadie.  I asked my trainer if I should contact her.  He said, “yes.”

With shaky hands and blurry vision through tears, I messaged her and asked her if she was still interested.  YES!, was her immediate response. 

Deep breaths. 

Deep breaths and it was done. 

The next day, I was in a session with a client when I heard my trainer’s spurs rattling up the walkway.  He apologized for interrupting and said he’d come back.  I said, “No, tell me.”  He never just stopped by so I knew it was something important. 

“If it works out in Oregon than do it but if it doesn’t than just go back and take it real slow with her.”

Take it real slow with her.  Wasn’t that always my problem?  Rushing relationship? I almost wanted to believe that if I couldn’t make it work with this horse than the future of my romantic relationships would then be doomed. I didn’t accept the thought. 

But what I have come to realize is that what I had done with Sadie, in such a short amount of time is not common.  It was the blind leading the blind.  Most people never leave the safety of an arena. I had rushed in our relationship like there was a destination instead of allowing a gentle unfolding of trust.  There’s no destination in a relationship.  A relationship is a forever unfolding. 

Sadie left Saturday, November 5, 2016.

When I posted that I had re-homed my horse people in the horse community reached out and offered up their horses for me to use for my work and through this I met a man who does the same work as me.  

He offered to take me for a ride and about month after saying good-bye to my Sadie girl I was back in the saddle on a gem of a horse, Studley.  He was so solid I didn’t have to think about anything but riding and having fun. 

I now ride about twice a week with the guidance of a seasoned rider and we have fun.  I’ve become such a better rider, he has taught me so much and I have healed my PTSD.  I help him out with his groups working with teenagers in recovery and I am completely humbled to just be where I am.  I have no idea where I’m going but it doesn’t matter because life is a forever unfolding without a destination.