The Gift of Humility
In the first few months of 2017 I probably guided over 30 people through The Intensive doing it just about every other weekend. At the time, I knew on an intellectual level that each time I lead The Intensive I was getting my own “dose” of the work but didn’t realize that diving so deep into one’s shadow, one would inevitably create one’s most feared monster in the outside world.
For those of you who’ve been with me for a few years, you know that my stuff shows up around relationship and career (but I was able to mask my business stuff in false serenity.) Relationship was where there was nowhere to hide.
So it’s not surprising my monster/dragon came in the form of a man. A man who “loved” me and made many promises bolstered by spreadsheets. I love a good spreadsheet. Apparently, it’s the way to my heart. Luckily (ha), I was so stuck at the time, I allowed myself to be swooped away. I mean quite literally swooped away -within 6 weeks of meeting him, feeling guided by Spirit, I moved to Northern CA.
I’ve come to realize that when I’m not moving in the direction Spirit would like me too, I get some divine intervention to help me out.
This was the case with this move and this man. I could write a whole book about this, in fact I’m going to but for now let’s just say he was deeply wounded and suffered from psychopathy, sex addiction, drug addiction and alcoholism. I loved him, I really did but love is not always enough. With the help of friends who reminded me of who I am because if you’ve ever been with a psychopath, it’s super easy to forget who you are, I got out!
That’s exactly how it felt! GETTING OUT! Or better yet, I had played the level, earned the loot, (in this case it was self worth), and beat the boss! I had up-leveled.
If I had written this at that time it would have been the climax of the story but now it feels like a bleep on the radar because once you decide to get out, the real healing begins. When you first get out all you see is freedom, you can’t ever imagine you will miss and still be in love with who you are escaping from.
This was my lesson in unconditional love.
At the end of the relationship, December 2018 Cole and I moved to Kentucky. Why Kentucky? It was intuitive. I wanted to explore the south. I had experienced the West Coast, the Southwest, Northwest, the Northeast but the South seemed romantic and I was ready for the chill vibe and humidity. Luckily as soon as Cole and I arrived it felt like home. Louisville feels a bit like Seattle in the 90’s. It has a lot of grit and romance. Thank God I didn’t question my move because for the next year and a half, I’d be questioning everything else.
The beauty and slower pace (I knew no one in Kentucky) created a lot of room to viscerally experience the humility of what I had gotten myself into with this man and to be fully humbled by the lesson.
Spirit bought a huge gift during the break-up to empower my decision. I was hired by another coach, doing sales for her 4 million dollar business. Fortunately, I didn’t have to “build my business” while feeling like a LOSER! I could sit in my own healing doing puzzles while watching Sex In The City, drinking bourbon, and watching the snow. I also adopted a puppy three weeks after arriving in Louisville. (Healing comes in mysterious ways.)
The first year was a challenge to put it lightly. I won’t go into all the nitty gritty but I was lost and depressed. I didn’t know who I was. I had written a book the year before, a life long dream and didn’t even care. I had no idea what I wanted to do next.
I felt like I had achieved everything, somewhat failed at it all, and was done.
I’m no stranger to the concept of ego death but when you actually experience it, it’s not pretty.
I went back to basics. Even though I’d been a yoga teacher for 20 years with my focus on Iyengar, I took a power yoga class. My head was stuck in the past but at least my body was doing something in the present. I knew I just needed to keep doing it and eventually I’d stop being tortured by the man I’d left.
I also took horseback riding lessons, which really surprised me. I hadn’t taken horseback riding lessons since I was a kid but Debbie at Twin Oaks Farm was kind and it was the first time I hadn’t cried during a lesson.
The most extreme thing I did was go to Unity Church. I grew up in church, was leader of my youth group but when I renounced my religion at 18, I never turned back so going to church was not easy but I felt a pull. Glad I did because this is where I was introduced to Paul Selig. I immediately bought and read all his books. They inspired me to focus more deeply on learning how to braid my personality-self with my higher-self. The many Intensives I had previously lead really set me up for learning how to truly surrender to my higher self, release fear, and trust.
For the next year I’d drop the reins and let my higher self guide me, then I’d get in fear and snatch them back, then drop then again. It went back and forth until for the most part I just let the reins go completely, understanding fear, and following the energetic hits of information I received. It felt better than gripping, pushing, pulling, and forcing.
I stayed at my job even though it felt like the Titanic was sinking. Intuitively I knew it would come to an end and I even knew the date but I also knew my “job” was to stay with the company until that date came. I was dedicated to the team and it felt good to be a part of something during Covid. I became Chief Revenue Officer.
Through the 2nd year with many lessons brought on by Covid, I truly learned to jump into the passenger seat and allow my higher self to drive the car. Finally, I learned to be along for the ride and only do what I need to do when I need to do it.
This is what Joseph Campbell refers to as “following your bliss.”
Who knew getting to bliss would take so much effort?
Once I arrived in bliss, the world actually did become a magical place full of unexpected gifts. Once I fully experienced this, I asked to stop learning lessons through hardship and pain. I never thought I could learn without hardship and pain but now I know I can. Once you completely let go, there is no hardship and pain because you’ve completely let go. The personality self creates the suffering.
So what came when I learned to surrender and trust in my divinity? I met the love of my life, partnered with an incredible horse, stayed tuned into my intuition, bought a house (divinely guided), was laid-off my job while closing on my house, and started my business of Horse Powered Leadership.
Which brings me here. I know it’s been a long time but I am so happy to be back. I’m so excited to be able to offer my services to more people and to continue to help make people’s live’s better. I am no doing The Intensive by Zoom one-on-one. I’ve already done it 5 times this year, which feels so good. It is the ultimate in breaking free even if you’ve had an awakening.
Looking back, I was incredibly stuck in LA. Spirit knew I needed a nudge and gave me one. It didn’t turn out the way my personality self wanted it too but it turned out a whole lot better once I let go. Not only did I get unstuck but I grew through the humility to become a better teacher.
What a gift.
Thanks for being part of my journey.
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