send...

Yesterday as I was sitting at work, fuming that Philip could no longer afford his full child support but was still able to go to Maine and planning to go to Burning Man, I decided to write him an email.

When I began writing, my intention was to send it but then I realized I was too angry and telling him what a looser he is would serve nor purpose. Yes, it would feel great to call him a FUCKING ASSHOLE but he’s been a fucking asshole for a long time without realizing it so what effect would me telling him on this particular day really have? -None!

So I decided to write the email for myself and just get everything off my chest, it went something like this,

“Subject: from my heart

Hey Philip,

I've got to say I'm so disappointed in you. I know you don't care but, you've never had to have responsibility for Riley in any "real" way. I've been flexible with you and your schedule, I've bent over backwards to you, you don’t have to have any set schedule but still get to see your son and all I've really asked is that you pay your child support, you have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to make money and you are NOT! It's crazy to me that the one way a MAN can take care of his child and you aren't even able to pull through on that....

YOU ARE A GIANT SHITHEAD THAT IS A HUGE DISAPPOINTED AND I FUCKING HATE YOU!
-stacey”

You can see there are lots of typos and the language isn’t well thought out. As my fingers typed, it felt so good I realized this is not something I could send. Its purpose was only for my release. Within seconds, I was in a trance-like state, just a vehicle for spewing this raw emotion on the page as if I were channeling my inner tyrant. I was in frenzy and without knowing it; I signed my name and pressed “send”.

It took me a second to realize what I had just done. “Oh my God, I sent it,” I thought to myself. There was no turning back but did I really need to? I definitely didn’t want him to think I sent that with purpose so I wrote him and said, “Ooooooops, Ummmm, I was venting in that previous email and accidentally sent it by mistake...oh well...I was hoping if I wrote it out and didn't send it, I'd feel better but then I accidentally pressed send. Sorry, you didn't need to hear any of that, my mistake.”

Even though all the words and the emotion behind were spot on, I was processing and I didn’t mean to send it.

This morning, Philip took Riley to school late, a mark on an otherwise perfect record and why? -Because Philip is too lazy and doesn’t care enough to get his child to school on time. I have a feeling that Philip is self-sabotaging so when he comes to me and says, “Souvenir and I are moving.” It will have no effect on him because he’s played it out as an irresponsible father. Philip does not add, he takes away.