letter to a friend...
Hey C,
Just wanted to touch base so the fissure I'm feeling in our relationship doesn't become a strange crevasse. I'm writing because I'm better at writing than speaking, always having been.
First and foremost I love you. It's simple. The rest I'm figuring out. I feel there is just this unease in our relationship I have only felt one other time with my friend, Gemma. It was several years ago. Unfortunately I didn't have the communication skills to deal with the situation so we just stopped being friends. The end of that relationship held me hostage for several years. Back then, I also didn't have many girlfriends so I didn't have the experience of having close bonds with women. Women can't be manipulated like men. They don't care. It is a very different experience.
Back then I was very competitive with women, especially with Gemma. But I no longer feel that way and haven't for a long time. I want my friends to do well and prosper, find love and be happy. I'm not a jealous person. I'm not saying the dragon is completely dead that would be a lie, sometimes it rears it's head but it comes up and it goes away, very quickly almost like a memory of an emotion and not a real emotion. It doesn't have a lot of power.
The one thing I remember clearest about Gemma is her need to always one up me, to appear as if she had more knowledge than me and didn't allow for my experience of my own life whatever it might have been. Also, whenever we communicated I came away feeling slimed energetically. She had a way of saying things that felt like her intention was to get me, not to share her experience but to share it in a way that would trigger me. I never felt loved and supported. Gemma also didn't have female friends that "threatened" her spotlight. She was all about her image, how she appeared. She still has this problem, which is really just a cover for the sadness and loneliness and insecurity in her life even though she is married, two kids, and has millions of dollars.
I learned a long time ago, the only place to find happiness is inside me. This is my work, this is my lesson. I bring service to each of my relationships. I love my friends and I want them to be happy.
I guess I'm wondering what is it you want from this relationship. What are your needs?
I must be honest and say I do not feel supported by you. I do not feel loved. I usually feel energetically "slimed" after spending time with you. And you know what is funny, I have a feeling you might feel the same way after spending time with me which means there is something in this for both of us. There is something here to learn.
Comments
i had a two plus year relationship with someone i also trusted, loved, wanted to overcome the 'slime' feeling you describe. i am sad still that i could not land us safely. but i've also come to know that this woman i loved and trusted is not okay. she looks like she is, she is bright and charming and alluring and i loved that about her, but she does not feel empathy. she does not have compasssion, does not have a conscience, unless it serves to benefit her current image of herself at the time.
someone like this cannot sustain love if and when another's needs and expectations surface (which should and do in loving relationships)
i'm glad you moved on, stacey. i imagine it was not easy but in the end it is best.
another good stacey post.
love
kj
why are you attracting these people... what is it that you are attracted to? What is your expected outcome?
love your writing Stacey
be well
x Robyn
We're both better off.
At the first sign that someone is a non-reciprocator, dump them and walk away. Every time they fail to reciprocate your friendship and you make it all right anyway, you dig in deeper and make it harder to escape. This relationship is based on something lacking in our lives when we were too young to identify it. The pattern is deeply ingrained and nothing you do will eradicate it. All you can do is be aware and try to avoid people who fit this pattern with you. They don't love you, they're just responding to your need, then they harm you.
Respond instead to people who listen and reciprocate. People who get back in touch, people who comfort and amuse you when you need it. If these people are not in your life right now, don't substitute the other kind. Wait.
As William Burroughs said: "If, after spending time with a person, you feel as though you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that person in the future!"
You don't need to know why or how it doesn't work. Just get the hell out of there, or they will suck you dry.
At the first sign that someone is a non-reciprocator, dump them and walk away. Every time they fail to reciprocate your friendship and you make it all right anyway, you dig in deeper and make it harder to escape. This relationship is based on something lacking in our lives when we were too young to identify it. The pattern is deeply ingrained and nothing you do will eradicate it. All you can do is be aware and try to avoid people who fit this pattern with you. They don't love you, they're just responding to your need, then they harm you.
Respond instead to people who listen and reciprocate. People who get back in touch, people who comfort and amuse you when you need it. If these people are not in your life right now, don't substitute the other kind. Wait.
As William Burroughs said: "If, after spending time with a person, you feel as though you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that person in the future!"
You don't need to know why or how it doesn't work. Just get the hell out of there, or they will suck you dry.
At the first sign that someone is a non-reciprocator, dump them and walk away. Every time they fail to reciprocate your friendship and you make it all right anyway, you dig in deeper and make it harder to escape. This relationship is based on something lacking in our lives when we were too young to identify it. The pattern is deeply ingrained and nothing you do will eradicate it. All you can do is be aware and try to avoid people who fit this pattern with you. They don't love you, they're just responding to your need, then they harm you.
Respond instead to people who listen and reciprocate. People who get back in touch, people who comfort and amuse you when you need it. If these people are not in your life right now, don't substitute the other kind. Wait.
As William Burroughs said: "If, after spending time with a person, you feel as though you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that person in the future!"
You don't need to know why or how it doesn't work. Just get the hell out of there, or they will suck you dry.
How are you?
I hope this comment finds you well and able to come out and play again soon.
love always
x Robyn