Finding My True Feminine...

Early in my life I decided to become the son my father never had in rebellion to my mother’s relationship with my sister, which was very close and impenetrable. My sister, two-and-a-half-years older than me, called me Steve.  I wore my hair short. 

I always thought of myself as a fat ugly tomboy.  I made the choice early on that I would never “get” a man with my looks so I would become strong, wicked smart and a great companion.  Later, I realized companionship and smarts were not how to “get” a man so I became fearless in bed.  Thinking that if a man had sex with me, he’d love me. (Yes, I drank that Kool-aid.) 

As I matured I started to watch other women who seemed to be in stable relationships with men who adored them to see if I could understand the key to their magic.  How did they do it?  What was the secret ingredient?  I wanted to be like those women, self assured, strong, graceful, empowered, and yet FEMININE. 

But I continued to approach relationship with masculine energy believing that “waiting” for the phone call was game play and waiting to have sex was for fools.  That I would meet the right guy that would love me for who I am.  This is how I did things up until two weeks ago. 

When my last dating experience fell apart with a man I truly liked, cared about and was excited to get to know something had to shift.  It was then a dear friend and colleague suggested, “Getting To ‘I Do’, The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!” by Dr. Patricia Allen and Sandra Harmon. 

Reading her book was like receiving the keys to the feminine kingdom.  Everything fell into place.  I realized how confused I’d been about feminine energy vs. masculine energy.  I am all feminine when it comes to dating, something I’d been fighting my entire life.  When I have sex with a man I am 100% bonded to him, partly because of the oxytocin but also because I am woman and that’s how we work. Now I understand that waiting to have sex isn’t about game play or power but is actually about taking care of myself because not waiting and not knowing if the man is truly bonded to me and committed is PAINFUL.  These were the tools I needed. 

Maybe when I was young I had room for that sort of pain or even enjoyed the highs and lows but now I’m building a business (a business based on my ability to be present and intuitive, not easy when you are suffering oxytocin withdrawal), raising a ten-year-old boy and having intimate female relationships that I truly care about giving, not just taking with my man drama.  Bottom line, I don’t have time for drama and this was the last area of my life I was seeking the highs and hoping there wouldn't be lows.

So it’s time to slow things down, be patient, and receive.  I’m in no rush. I’m truly finding the balance of my feminine and masculine energies.  I savor the notion of not being the commander of the relationship but to be the woman, sit back, allow, be cherished, share my feelings, and enjoy. Dr. Patricia Allen has given me permission to do just this and I am so thankful.  

My hair is long, my boots are dusty and that’s how I like it.