send...

Yesterday as I was sitting at work, fuming that Philip could no longer afford his full child support but was still able to go to Maine and planning to go to Burning Man, I decided to write him an email.

When I began writing, my intention was to send it but then I realized I was too angry and telling him what a looser he is would serve nor purpose. Yes, it would feel great to call him a FUCKING ASSHOLE but he’s been a fucking asshole for a long time without realizing it so what effect would me telling him on this particular day really have? -None!

So I decided to write the email for myself and just get everything off my chest, it went something like this,

“Subject: from my heart

Hey Philip,

I've got to say I'm so disappointed in you. I know you don't care but, you've never had to have responsibility for Riley in any "real" way. I've been flexible with you and your schedule, I've bent over backwards to you, you don’t have to have any set schedule but still get to see your son and all I've really asked is that you pay your child support, you have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to make money and you are NOT! It's crazy to me that the one way a MAN can take care of his child and you aren't even able to pull through on that....

YOU ARE A GIANT SHITHEAD THAT IS A HUGE DISAPPOINTED AND I FUCKING HATE YOU!
-stacey”

You can see there are lots of typos and the language isn’t well thought out. As my fingers typed, it felt so good I realized this is not something I could send. Its purpose was only for my release. Within seconds, I was in a trance-like state, just a vehicle for spewing this raw emotion on the page as if I were channeling my inner tyrant. I was in frenzy and without knowing it; I signed my name and pressed “send”.

It took me a second to realize what I had just done. “Oh my God, I sent it,” I thought to myself. There was no turning back but did I really need to? I definitely didn’t want him to think I sent that with purpose so I wrote him and said, “Ooooooops, Ummmm, I was venting in that previous email and accidentally sent it by mistake...oh well...I was hoping if I wrote it out and didn't send it, I'd feel better but then I accidentally pressed send. Sorry, you didn't need to hear any of that, my mistake.”

Even though all the words and the emotion behind were spot on, I was processing and I didn’t mean to send it.

This morning, Philip took Riley to school late, a mark on an otherwise perfect record and why? -Because Philip is too lazy and doesn’t care enough to get his child to school on time. I have a feeling that Philip is self-sabotaging so when he comes to me and says, “Souvenir and I are moving.” It will have no effect on him because he’s played it out as an irresponsible father. Philip does not add, he takes away.

the gift...

This morning after an evening of horrible parenting, I sat down with Riley to play trains. This sounds picturesque and lovely but really I hate playing trains. I don’t enjoy imaginary play but I owed him after the medicine cabinet door slipped from my hand last night and hit is head. There is nothing worse than knowing your unconscious behavior, hurt your child. I kept telling him, "My horrible mood has nothing to do with you."

This morning, as we sat playing I observed how tall he’s gotten and how his legs are long and lean “What are you going to do with those legs? They are so strong and lean,” I asked. He went on to tell me about how he grew from being a baby to the size he is now.

“You have a gift and you need to share it with the world,” I said.
“What is my gift,” he asked.
“I don’t know. That’s what you are here to figure out but everyone has a gift to share.”
“My gift is love,” he said pulling Henry, the green train around an imaginary bend.
“That’s a beautiful gift,” I said pulling James, the red train close behind.

Imagine what a wonderful world it would be if everyone realized that their gift to the world is to love, unconditionally and in rapture. What a beautiful world it would be…

the calm in the storm...

I’ve spent the last nine months, knowing something was coming, something big that would rock my world and turn it upside down. I had a feeling it would be May and here is May.

A couple weeks ago after watching an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy,” all about love, real love where people make the hard choices I asked God/Spirit to bring me someone to love. I’ve never done this before. I, from the deepest part of my soul asked unapologetically for Spirit to bring me a man that I could love and would love me back. When we ask for something from our soul, Spirit is quick to respond.

In the past two months through E-Harmony and the waste-of-money-dating-service I signed up for I’ve been “introduced” via email, phone calls, etc. to over five hundred men. Five hundred men and maybe I found three interesting. Most of the time after corresponding back and forth a couple times I get enough of a feel to know it’s not going to work. I actually met only one guy and when I saw him from across the street, I knew it wasn’t going to work.

After asking Spirit to bring me someone to love, four days later my prayer was answered. He arrived in my in-box via Chemistry.com. What was strange is that I’m not a member of Chemistry.com and haven’t been for about three years. My profile on the website is three years old, I have long reddish hair but what I said about myself holds true. I had signed up for Match.com a couple months perviously but decided I didn’t want to do it and cancelled, going with E-Harmony instead but for some reason it activated my Chemistry.com account. I rarely get emails from Chemistry.com and even rarer is for me to go to the sight and look at what they are sending me but this time I did. I had a feeling.

I liked his profile and pics. He seemed cute and sweet. We emailed back and forth a few times, spoke on the phone and met the following Saturday. As I approached our meeting place I could see him stand up and walk towards me but then the crossing light changed and we were forced to stand a street apart, sizing each other up. What I saw made me shake. Here, was a handsome, strong, rugged man with style. I knew I was going to like him, really like him. The street light changed and I crossed over to him, we hugged and walked down the street with his arm around me, supporting me and that was the beginning of our first date.

The date went was fabulous, a Ferris wheel ride and walk on the pier with a late night omelet. On the way home, I cried and thanked God for bringing me this gift. He wasn’t perfect, by no stretch of the imagination was he perfect, but I was excited and interested and that was more than I could say for the other guys I’d seen or met.

Now, this was not an MM situation. When I started dating MM, I was a child and blind to the realities of a relationship. I jumped into it without taking the time to see if we were compatible beyond the bedroom. We had looked into each other’s eyes, said we wanted a child and I was intoxicated, until I had the ring on my finger and then the truth revealed itself. The night that MM left, I didn’t shed a tear. I don’t think I ever shed tear for MM and yet, I felt like I was in love.

I’ve come to realize, my heart had lost its way several years back. I had fallen pretty hard for a couple men and both these men broke my heart within a few years of each other. I think subconsciously I decided to not fully love. That it was safer to be with a man I knew loved me than to risk a broken heart. The risk was too great.

Now I find myself, really feeling again and this relationship is emotional. I’ve revealed things about myself that aren’t pretty and raise the stakes. He has done the same. And I have already cried, just from the possibility of losing him. This is what if feels like to love, it’s not safe.

It is the beginning of something and anything could happen. Before I met him I was calm and my spiritual practice was easy because there was nothing tugging at me. I fully believed that when I met someone it was going to be easy and it would just happen but that was foolish. Before I met him, I “wanted” for nothing. I wasn’t attached to anything. Now I want to be attached, I want to “know” because I am afraid and this is not my practice, this is anything but spiritual. My ego wants this to be the man and sum things up, tie everything in a pretty bowh and I have a million excuses as to why.

My spiritual practice tells me to let go. I can not make someone love me. I can not make myself love someone I don’t. I can not force anything. I can only close my eyes, take a deep breath, and have faith that Spirit is revealing what needs to be revealed and is bringing to me what is for my greater good. I might think this is what I want but if it is meant to be, it will be and there is nothing I need to do except, release my grasp and gently float.

you are divine...

There are no victims. I am not a victim and you are not a victim. It’s a hard pill to swallow but once you do? It’s like Neo taking the blue pill (or was it red?), anyway, it’s like that, the veils of perception quickly dissolve and life becomes vivid, beautiful, and you realize you are creating EVERYTHING in your life.

Scary, right? Who would want to take responsibility for creating illness, a bad marriage, unruly children, or depression? People create what they believe they “deserve” or what they thought would bring them happiness or ease from fear. There is no blame here, only love. Love begets love. Fear begets fear.

My wish for you today is divine essence, feel the light shine within you, let it charge every cell of your body and radiate a smile from your heart because you are loved and you are worthy. Be still, breathe and feel your divinity.

part of a miracle...

Every morning, I get up; I pull out my meditation cushion, pillow and blanket. I sit straight; ground myself to the earth with a colored cord of my choice, pull in my aura, dispose of the roses that I surrounded myself with the day before and replace them with new one’s, any color, today they were green, run energy from the top of my head, down the back of my spine, around tail-bone, up the front of my spine and out my arms. While this is going on I meditate; listening to my breath, letting emotions and images wash over me, not attaching to any thoughts, and if they do, if I start following one down it’s path, I come back to my breath without judgment.

Everyday I hand my life over to Spirit, letting Spirit guide me to where I need to be. I never second-guess because I know Spirit has put me where I need to be. I know in every instant of my life, I’m part of a miracle.

what's happened...

I have been writing, a project – a feature film. I’m also taking class so any “free-time” I have where my mind can produce is either in class or working on my script. I miss writing here, in my haven but I will again. I knew this would happen when I started writing a large project. I knew I would not have time to write here and yet I cannot only write here. It's time to write this project. I can't deny it.

Spring is here and I feel things are truly unfolding in a magical way.

Yesterday, I went shopping, which is rare for me. I don’t normally enjoy shopping but something pulled me to the Grove and once there I realized why. It was one of those days where everything I tried on looked fabulous and almost all of it was on sale. What wasn’t on sale was a good price. I spoiled myself for two hours and was reminded of how I use to feel in my early twenties – everything and anything was possible; the world was full of magic. Amazing what a few new pieces of clothing can do to lift your spirits.

I hope to write more often in the coming weeks. Perhaps, coming here makes me a little sad because so much of the blog is gone. I don’t know. I still can’t say deleting the blog was a mistake but I also can’t say it was the thing to do.

momentum...

Last week all things lined up for me to take a trip to Arizona. It was similar to my experience with Disneyland. We didn’t win tickets but we had friends going, my dad was available on Saturday, my yoga classed had been cancelled on Saturday, we were given a half day off at work on Friday and I had Cole for the weekend. Everything was aligned for Arizona.

I’ve come to be able to feel the momentum of the Universe. When I’m meant to be somewhere, I’m there. When I’m not meant to be somewhere, I’m not. If things align easily than I have a good idea I’m heading in the right direction but if I’m pushing or pulling to get there then it’s probably not the best. I keep my feelers open and ready to receive information.

The funny thing is, I assume when the universe is lining things up and pointing in a certain direction that I will find joy and happiness but I am still a student and sometimes the universe needs to show me things I have not yet learned so that I can move into great joy and happiness. This was the case this time.


The trip started off well enough. We met up with friends around 10am and were on the road soon after. As we made our way across California and into Arizona I realized the trip was not going to be as I had imagined. I found myself alone in my car instead of the sort of caravanning I had wanted with switching passengers and kids for lots of social interaction. The kids switched. The adults didn’t. By the time I was in Arizona after driving the last three hours alone in my car, I was ready to go home. I felt lonely and was experiencing childhood feelings of loneliness from when my friends picked each other over me.

I decided not to dwell in these old feelings and worked on acknowledging these feelings and releasing them. I paid attention to my disappointed and allowed it to be but knew it was me, expecting certain behavior and being disappointed. This is one of my biggest issues to work through and the universe was mirroring all of my karmic lessons perfectly for me; disappointment and people choosing other people over me. It couldn’t have been laid out more clearly. I felt I was being given a piece of the puzzle.

Once we got to my dad’s the opportunities for learning kept rolling in. They were illuminating. I hadn’t seen my dad for two years and I’ve done a lot of work on myself since that time. Back then I was still trying to prove something to him and was disappointed when he couldn’t see me how I wanted to be seen and he wasn’t the father I wanted him to be. This time I was able to see clearly how I was raised, where my karma and deep wounding manifested and gave thanks that I turned out the way I did. Again, the universe mirrored for me the same lesson I’d had with my friends on the way up. My father won’t ever “choose” me and I will always be disappointed by him. Disappointment, being chosen, disappointment, being chosen, disappointment, being chosen…this is my karma, this is what shows up again and again until I let go.

As I watched Riley wanting his Grandpa’s approval and seeing my father not present enough to give Riley what he needed I realized I wanted something from my father he was and is not capable of and it has nothing to do with me. I saw myself as Riley, wanting to be chosen, wanting approval, wanting love and not getting it. It broke my heart and freed me all at the same time.

The question is, why spend time with my family? The answer, I don’t know.
I love my family but they are not people I want to be around because it doesn’t feel good to be around them. Riley doesn’t feel good around them. He senses something is not quite right. I don’t feel loved, free and cared for. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. They are living their lives wonderfully for them. I feel no need to change them. It’s hard to understand loving your family and not wanting to be around them but that is my truth.

I’m grateful to the universe for giving me the opportunity over the weekend to see clearly. I feel at peace. I did however get a soar throat, which I’m nursing back to health. I’m not surprised. When I’m around people who can not hear my truth, I don’t speak it and it’s not easy for me on any level. It will manifest physically.

Can you imagine my father’s reaction if I had said, “I am GOD, I am SOVEREIGN, and I am FREE!”