momentum...

Last week all things lined up for me to take a trip to Arizona. It was similar to my experience with Disneyland. We didn’t win tickets but we had friends going, my dad was available on Saturday, my yoga classed had been cancelled on Saturday, we were given a half day off at work on Friday and I had Cole for the weekend. Everything was aligned for Arizona.

I’ve come to be able to feel the momentum of the Universe. When I’m meant to be somewhere, I’m there. When I’m not meant to be somewhere, I’m not. If things align easily than I have a good idea I’m heading in the right direction but if I’m pushing or pulling to get there then it’s probably not the best. I keep my feelers open and ready to receive information.

The funny thing is, I assume when the universe is lining things up and pointing in a certain direction that I will find joy and happiness but I am still a student and sometimes the universe needs to show me things I have not yet learned so that I can move into great joy and happiness. This was the case this time.


The trip started off well enough. We met up with friends around 10am and were on the road soon after. As we made our way across California and into Arizona I realized the trip was not going to be as I had imagined. I found myself alone in my car instead of the sort of caravanning I had wanted with switching passengers and kids for lots of social interaction. The kids switched. The adults didn’t. By the time I was in Arizona after driving the last three hours alone in my car, I was ready to go home. I felt lonely and was experiencing childhood feelings of loneliness from when my friends picked each other over me.

I decided not to dwell in these old feelings and worked on acknowledging these feelings and releasing them. I paid attention to my disappointed and allowed it to be but knew it was me, expecting certain behavior and being disappointed. This is one of my biggest issues to work through and the universe was mirroring all of my karmic lessons perfectly for me; disappointment and people choosing other people over me. It couldn’t have been laid out more clearly. I felt I was being given a piece of the puzzle.

Once we got to my dad’s the opportunities for learning kept rolling in. They were illuminating. I hadn’t seen my dad for two years and I’ve done a lot of work on myself since that time. Back then I was still trying to prove something to him and was disappointed when he couldn’t see me how I wanted to be seen and he wasn’t the father I wanted him to be. This time I was able to see clearly how I was raised, where my karma and deep wounding manifested and gave thanks that I turned out the way I did. Again, the universe mirrored for me the same lesson I’d had with my friends on the way up. My father won’t ever “choose” me and I will always be disappointed by him. Disappointment, being chosen, disappointment, being chosen, disappointment, being chosen…this is my karma, this is what shows up again and again until I let go.

As I watched Riley wanting his Grandpa’s approval and seeing my father not present enough to give Riley what he needed I realized I wanted something from my father he was and is not capable of and it has nothing to do with me. I saw myself as Riley, wanting to be chosen, wanting approval, wanting love and not getting it. It broke my heart and freed me all at the same time.

The question is, why spend time with my family? The answer, I don’t know.
I love my family but they are not people I want to be around because it doesn’t feel good to be around them. Riley doesn’t feel good around them. He senses something is not quite right. I don’t feel loved, free and cared for. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. They are living their lives wonderfully for them. I feel no need to change them. It’s hard to understand loving your family and not wanting to be around them but that is my truth.

I’m grateful to the universe for giving me the opportunity over the weekend to see clearly. I feel at peace. I did however get a soar throat, which I’m nursing back to health. I’m not surprised. When I’m around people who can not hear my truth, I don’t speak it and it’s not easy for me on any level. It will manifest physically.

Can you imagine my father’s reaction if I had said, “I am GOD, I am SOVEREIGN, and I am FREE!”