heart of a palm...

I’ve needed my blog, to vent, to feel better, to find my voice, to become a better writer; it’s served many purposes in my life. When I started writing I thought it would be a fun romp through a single mom’s dating life but then I found myself in a relationship that I wanted to “save” me. I went full speed ahead hoping that if I had someone that was “mine”, I’d feel complete, lovable and unstoppable; that all my core issues would evaporate, like summer rain.

What I learned is all wells dry up unless the well is you.

Then I was handed another gift from Spirit, a boss who was as abusive as my mother was when I was a child. I realized I was still living from a place of a six-year-old, calling Mia from underneath my desk, sobbing. I learned to become invisible and filled page after page of my blog with my fears and doubts. Luckily I escaped that hell, I moved on and found a job with a wonderful boss. I also moved into a new home that looked into the heart of a palm.

Then Spirit handed me another gift, Philip bringing home the Souvenir, this was great fodder to fill pages and pages with anger and fear but then they discovered my blog and one night, read page after page so in a fit of despair I deleted my entire beautiful blog. This broke my heart. I never really recovered. I didn’t care what they read about them, I cared what they would read about my personal life. They like to throw emotional daggers and I didn’t want to be the one who kept them in supply of weapons. After I deleted my blog, I created it again hoping they would just think it’s gone but they are too narcissistic to let it go. Just last week, Philip threw the blog dagger at me and I realized how ridiculous he is, knowing I had not written in almost two months. This is his lesson, not mine.

While all this was going on, I was transforming. I was in my chrysalis ready to be reborn as a beautiful butterfly but I was afraid to write about it. I thought it was too "ooogly-boogly” for my “audience” even though it’s what I’m most passionate about, transformation and consciousness. There is nothing more beautiful than watching people grow and transform and it always takes loss.

Yesterday the beautiful palm outside my window was cut down. What takes years to grow only takes moments to destroy. It is a reminder to never take for granted the gifts that are given; we are all privileged to be here on this earth.