in mourning...
I'm not sure why I'm writing about it here. Perhaps as a test run, to see how it feels to type the words of his death in a public forum. To get over my fear of him being dead, me being alive, and continuing to write about him. He has been the subject of all my writing since July. He is major part of my memoir. He was the mirror that showed me that I was a Love Addict. Now he is a mirror, showing me the deeper layers of my core issues.
When I met him, there was instant chemistry. I actually wrote about our first date here, on my blog, but once he became a "follower" I deleted it. I didn't want him to know how smitten I was. In the personal essay I recently finished and was just beginning the process of rewriting I wrote, "Our first hello was a kiss and a hug and I could have sworn I'd kissed that spot between his chin and neck a million times before. I flashed to our wedding day."
It's strange to think back to that time, I felt that I knew directly from Spirit that I was going to meet someone of significance in May. So when I met Luke, (I have the hardest time calling him by a different name now) I truly believed he was the "one."
His death is an opportunity for great healing. There are so many details about his passing, the timing of it, how I found out, what it felt like, what is happening now, the layers of grief that I'm not sure where to begin.
I've been looking back on my blog to see what I had been writing about the day he died, July 18, 2010. The title was "divine plan..." and it was about him. The day before I had written about the last texts we had sent to each other and my words seem too final now.
In happier times, I wrote this, "synchronicity, the dress, and the tattoo..."
much love
-stacey
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