codependent...

As luck would have it, a week before receiving Luke’s text, I’d ordered books on co-dependence for research on my memoir. The books were Facing Codependence, Facing Love Addiction, and The Intimacy Factor, all by Pia Mellody. I’d read the first book several years ago but wanted to read it again because I had a feeling that the main issue in my relationship with MM, the subject of my memoir, was co-dependence and rereading the book would help me with writing the book. Little did I know?

I devoured Facing Codependence in two days. I’d always known I teetered on the edge of co-dependence but reading the book this time blew my mind. It was crystal clear that I am a full on co-dependent and it has been calling the shots. Perhaps it hit me because this time I was no longer in denial.

Here is a quote that spoke to my core my issue, “Although it happened unconsciously, it was as if by constituting the earlier abuse situation the codependent spouse could now get (besides the security of the familiar) another chance to be “perfect” or “pleasing” enough to free himself or herself from the exaggerated shame, fear, pain, and anger that had been carried since childhood. It came out that these feelings had colored and crippled many of the codependents’ relationships for a lifetime.” –Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. This quote also spoke directly to what Mia had said to me five years ago.

The last time I saw Luke all the telltale signs of the disease were there. I sat at his table eating grapefruit from his tree while commenting on how good it was and fantasizing about us living in his shambler shack raising our boys together, eating fruit from our trees.  The truth was, I hated grapefruit but he was so excited about it, he had romanticized it and I needed him to like me, want me, choose me so I ate it like it was a chocolate brownie. Then when he wasn't looking, I secretly threw it in the garbage.  I was possessed.
Moments later he was making another cup of coffee and I asked if I could have one too.

“COULD YOU HELP THEN?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he said slamming a pan down on the stove.

My spine sprung erect.  I was back in my family’s home walking on egg shells afraid to ask for anything or do anything.  I only did what I thought would please them, to get love.

This is the disease. This is not me.

Next, I picked up FACING LOVE ADDICTION and there I was in black and white, a love addict. Everything I thought was real in my life wasn’t, what I thought was love, wasn’t –just a disease.

“Love addiction, therefore, is an addiction that often becomes visible to the codependent only after some work has been done on the core symptoms of codependence.” It was a glimmer of hope. At least I had done enough work on the codependence to be able to see the love addiction.

But this epiphany shattered the concept of my memoir.

stay tuned...