love addict...

“Hi, my name is Stacey Warner and I’m a codependent – love addict.”

I’ve never been one for labeling myself. In fact I’ve been such a non conformist that the first time I traveled by myself, I refused to follow the crowd getting off the plane. So where else does one go after getting of a plane but baggage claim? Nowhere. Right? But there I was proving to my invisible judge and jury that I knew better than anyone only to end up at baggage claim fifteen minutes later.

Codependents live in the life of one up, one down, always comparing themselves to everyone, even the invisibles. Am I one up or one down?

The following week I spoke to the Captain.

“I’ve just discovered that I am a love addict and codependent with a twist - I’m also a love avoidant. In my relationship with Luke, I was the addict -with you, the avoidant. I don’t think it's wise for us to see each other even as friends because I can feel your need and want of me like an addict and I get a jolt from it. It isn’t healthy for either one of us and it is leading you on,” I said.

Weeks later he would send me an email that said, “I’m still having Stacey withdrawals.” I didn’t respond. It wasn't easy. 

So how does one become a love addict?

Pia says it best, “One way such children may escape the pain of severe abandonment by the parents is to fantasize about being rescued by a hero of some kind. Little girls may imagine a knight in shining armor who has loving feelings for her and who does things that demonstrate this love by connecting with her, finally giving her life meaning and vitality. The fantasy is often very much like the fairy tale Sleeping Beauty, in which Sleeping Beauty lies asleep, out of touch with herself and her surroundings, until the life-giving kiss of Prince Charming awakens her. Children spend so much time in this fantasy world because it creates a state of Euphoria….I think that when we put a pleasurable picture in our minds and think about it, we can stimulate an emotional response to it that may lead to the release of endorphins into our system. Endorphins literally relieve emotional pain and create varying degrees of Euphoria. Such children come to believe that by connecting with such a hero, they, like Sleeping Beauty, will come alive and be safe and valuable at last.”

But how does this rooted fantasy that has become a belief play out as an adult?

“…the selected rescuer also demonstrates this love by an initial and usually intense connection with the Love Addict, which finally gives meaning and vitality to the Love Addict’s life. Love Addicts do not see who they other party really is, but instead see the image they created in childhood. They focus on this fantasy image, which they placed like a beautiful mask over the head of the real human being. Love Addicts assign to their partners all the qualities of their childhood fantasy rescuers. Ignoring their partner’s reality, good qualities and bad, Love Addicts truly believe that their partners have the fantasy rescuer’s attributes and wills soon create a wonderful life of wall-to-wall loving and caring.” -Pia Mellody Facing Love Addiction

Sounds bananas, right? I would think its impossible if I hadn’t lived through it. The first time I met Luke, it was love at first sight (sign of an addict). I shook from head to toe. When we greeted each other I knew he was my future husband. Looking back, I'll guess that is when the mask went on him. After that, he was my rescuer and the real him went away.

Who was the real Luke? Let’s just say he was nothing like my fantasy of him and not a person that in my right mind I would ever date. Slowly, I was able to break the mask and see his true colors. But to be honest, if he were to text me today, I’d definitely need to be talked down. It would take all my will power not respond, just for a little fix, thinking, this time I’ll handle it or maybe he’s changed and he does want me now. I would rationalize it, a girl needs her sex, he’ll just be my lover, life is boring, what’s the harm of a little romance, just this once, …

Just like an alcoholic.
Addict behavior isn’t pretty. I had a feeling the tides were changing after Luke, remember my post, The Last High. This was written before I knew Love Addiction was “real.” It was just how I felt.

The tricky thing about being a love addict is my conscious fear is abandonment but my unconsciouos fear is intimacy so when the mask does begin to break, I want to run.

Today I find solace in the label –love addict. It defines a sickness I’ve struggled with all my life. It lets me know I’m not crazy and if I get healthy, I will be able to have a loving and lasting relationship. These days, I’m fairly clear when I’m in my “disease” but it doesn’t mean that someday as time goes on and I feel healthy after being on my own, I won’t rationalize my way back into it. It is love after all.

My story is far from over...next up, how did I become a love avoidant?

stay tuned…