the churning...

A couple weeks ago I went to Universal Studios with The Captain, Goom and Mae Mae, a friend of Goom’s.  I’m sort of an amusement park junkie.  I don’t go every week like some people do but I do go a few times a year, which is more than almost any of my friends.  They think I’m a bit nuts but I love spending the day with Goom, watching his face light up as we get on each ride.

Universal Studios is probably Goom’s least favorite place and I’m not sure why we went, except it was close.  There is very little for him to do there.  In fact there is nothing for him to do there but I had forgotten about that until we got there and had shelled out our fifteen dollars for parking –note to self do not go again. Almost all rides freak him out and I mean FREAK HIM OUT. He hates what we’ve coined, “tunnel rides,” which is any ride that goes into a dark place and has loud noises –almost all rides.  Take a moment and imagine him at Disneyland, Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland, Mr. Toad’s Wild Adventure, Winnie the Pooh –all tunnels.  Put it this way, we take lots of rides on Casey’s train but God, love him –he’s my kid and I can’t really blame him, most of the rides at Disneyland appear as bad psychedelic trips. (Click here for a mini-movie)

Okay, back to Universal Studios.  The tour is probably the best thing about the place and even that freaks him out because of the The Tunnel (used in Six Million Dollar Man see above), King Kong and the Earthquake but fortunately he agreed to go on it so off we went with sitting on my lap, shivering in anticipation of what was to come. 

Now you’re probably thinking this story is about rides, overcoming fear or how cute my son is but it’s not.  It is about that damn tunnel that spins around you and makes you feel you are going upside even though you aren’t moving at all except forward.  If you close your eyes, you feel nothing.

On that day, in that tunnel, was the metaphor for my life as it was and is at this moment.

I’m being churned. My life outside myself, the world around seems to be spinning, spinning, spinning.  My writing class is kicking my ass in a good way but since I’m writing a memoir it is also kicking my ass in a very personal way.  It is about me and my voice and how I come across.  I have a court date with Goom’s daddy on Tuesday.  Can’t say much more about it but I wake up in the morning with acid churning in my stomach.  My relationship with The Captain, deeply complicated forcing me to look within to find answers and live from my truth.  Being a fulltime single mom, tough but completely rewarding. All of this keeps life “busy” but it also keeps my emotions spinning around. 

My solace?  Closing my eyes, meditating, taking deep breaths and remembering it is in Spirit’s hands.  Allowing things to spin and knowing I don’t have to spin along with them.

I now practice a walking meditation. I am that much closer to knowing God. I’m living from my authentic self, my essence.  I am God.  I am sovereign. I am free.

But it ain’t easy!