a new day...

Last night I deleted my blog. Earlier in the evening Philip had told me he’d found it and read some of it. He said he was afraid for Riley but what he really meant, was that he feared for himself and his relationship with Riley. However, the venom that exists when I write about him does not exist when I speak to Riley but this is what he feared. My writing serves Philip as it releases the anger and frustration that I have after many of our interactions.

My first reaction wasn’t to delete what I’ve nurtured for the past year and a half but when I noticed someone in Lost Angeles had been reading for an hour and was up to sixteen pages, I assumed it had to be them.

A storm brewed inside me and I started to panic. Philip was picking Riley up from school tomorrow and I feared he might do something irresponsible or irrational because of his anger towards me. I had already been anxious about Riley going with Philip and this didn’t help. It felt like a proverbial carrot-and-stick just hanging there but instead of creating movement it would be destructive.

I deleted it. Everything in my body told me to and then I immediately created a new blog with the same name. I didn't delete it because I was ashamed of what I had written. I feared Philip's anger.

I called Philip last night. I had to hear his voice before I could sleep. I needed to know he was rational. He said he hadn’t been reading the blog nor had the Souvenir. (I’m not sure I believe this.) He later apologized via email for outing me. Perhaps he was apologizing for much more because in our first conversation that evening he had finally heard something he hadn’t been able to hear for six and a half years and it’s the cancer of our relationship.

I don’t know what this blog will be like, what it will look like, what I will write about. Perhaps this was Spirit’s way of telling me to let go, clean house and move on, to rise above the pettiness.

We shall see.