letting go...

Sometimes our lives change and transform so quickly we can’t find words to describe it. That is how the past few months have been for me. I went from being lost and hoping my life would unfold in a good way to knowing my life will unfold in a good way and allowing myself to ride the wave.

This doesn’t mean there are not ups and downs there are but how I respond to them is different. I no longer feel a victim of my own life, wondering how did this happen. I am creating my life and to create my life means I must be very honest with myself, an honesty that is sometimes heart wrenching and scary.

I’ve also come to trust that things come to light when they need to. I’m not sure why Philip found my blog or how long it had been since he discovered it or how much he had read or the Souvenir for that matter. Deleting it was drastic and liberating at the same time. The act of deleting it was an impulse, a crazy impulse and if anyone had been in my apartment watching me, they might have thought I was crazy. Once the moment passed, I wondered if I really needed to do it but at the same time I trusted the fact that I had done it. The reason I did it might not have anything to do with Philip or the Souvenir in the end, even though at the time it felt like I did it because of them. This is how the universe works. The universe might have been clearing a new path or protecting me from something else. Someday I might know, or I might not it doesn’t matter. My place isn’t to know but to trust.

I’m opening a new chapter in my life. I’m finding compassion where there hasn’t been (with Philip). I’ve let go of MM, completely. I’m dating.

The history on my blog was a tether holding me to a place I no longer live. I’m not ashamed of where I’ve been, I’m proud of it but it’s time to move on.

I’ve been using my blog as a way to vent my emotions but now it’s time for the blog to be more than a place to dump.

What does this mean? I don’t know. I write when I’m guided to write.