sometimes the smell lingers...

I’ve recently had a break through. I am less triggered by Philip. Unfortunately, now that my blog has been discovered I no longer feel at ease writing about such moments but never the less, we had a conversation last night that would normally have me in a rage but didn’t. The lack of understanding between us had less of an effect on me. However, I am glad I deleted my blog. The one blog Philip did read is now used as a weapon in conversation. Well, kind of a weapon. He didn’t really get what I was saying so it comes out more like garble than a weapon. The one he admits to reading is from February. I had written, “Having a heart to heart with Philip is like having one with a Russian, we don’t speak the same language.” He references this but thinks I called him a Russian bear or warrior or something. It makes me laugh. The sentiment of the blog stands true.

Our worlds our different, I get that. I see the sky one shade of blue and he sees it another. I no longer need him to see it the same color and to try is futile. This is where the most growth has come. I’ve given up any idea that I can change or control this. I fully realize now that Riley must have his own experience of his father and as long as he is safe, that’s all that matters. I don’t speak to Riley about his father in a negative way and never have. This serves no purpose.

I realized last night Philip will always look to blame me for what is not working in his life. He sees himself as a victim and is constantly blaming others for what doesn’t work. I have tried to defend myself for years but now I don’t. I don’t engage. Engaging doesn’t change anything. He will always see himself a victim, the story works for him but it’s his story not mine. I’m thankful to Breck for this. If it wasn’t for Breck, I wouldn’t have realized when I was going into image and defending from a place of deep childhood wounds. I was able to let Philip’s fear and anger wash over me. Although, I did end the conversation after it had gone around once. I only have so much patience and one of my personal rules is not to spend more than five minutes with negative people and we’d been talking over ten minutes.

I am a co-creator of my life and live to serve a higher purpose. I’ve created everything that exists in it and it all serves my higher purpose. What I created from a less conscious place in my past continues to teach me lessons and for that I am thankful. Although there are days where it smells like stale dog shit on my shoe that I swear I’ve scrubbed off but the smell just won’t go away.

I definitely watch where I step now; I’ve stepped in enough shit in my life.