what does love feel like?...

Strange question isn’t it –but I’ve been thinking about it lately, wondering about its nuances and textures. In the past year I’ve dated two completely different men and had completely different relationships. The first relationship was extremely passionate, so much so that the first time I saw him I was certain he would be my husband and the first date was like a fairy-tale complete with a Ferris wheel ride but it didn’t last –for many good reasons. We were two very different people, we loved each other but there was no foundation and without a foundation there was nothing to stand on and you can’t exist just on butterfly’s wings alone.

The second relationship lacked passion. After the first date, I wasn’t sure I would see him again but he seemed nice and easy to talk to. I’d been advised to go against my type so I saw him again. There were never butterflies but there was friendship, intimacy and a domestic life. I was fully expressed in the relationship and it was liberating. The foundation was strong but without the butterflies, when times got tough (and things got tough) there were no wings to keeps us flying. We loved each other but without wings we couldn’t fly so the relationship ended

It seems to me that in the beginning of the relationship there needs to be passion, urgency, missing, excitement, all those things because in time it goes away but if it isn’t there in the first place what makes you want to stay with that person? In the first relationship I hoped the passion would take root. In the second relationship I wished the intimacy would take flight. I believe for a relationship to last there has to be equal parts of both.

From both of these relationships I learned to take my time. If I feel the burning flame, I must put it on the back burner to see if it blows out. If there is only a little flame I need to give it a little air to see if it burns. There is no need to rush.

This morning I had a dream that I was in bed with a man that had once been my lover but we had not been together for a long time. We were in bed in a crowded room of strangers (dreams are so obscure) and I remember thinking how much I had missed his touch and the weight of his body. I missed his kiss, smell, and skin -his very essence. With him, I felt at peace. The moment held everything, intimacy, passion, love, kindness, desire and playfulness. I was fulfilled.

I am thankful for this dream. I now hold that feeling inside and even though I wasn’t able to recognize the man in my dream. I will be able to recognize the feeling.