flashback friday (1998)...

Today I randomly picked three journals and was guided by Spirit to share the following entry. I wrote it on November 6, 1998. I was 28. It was a poignant moment in my life, one that took several years to heal...

So sad. I’m tired of feeling this much sadness. Every year, for the past three years I’ve felt this amount of sadness, which tells me I am not protecting myself.

I need to be more careful. It’s time to concentrate on the things I want to achieve.

I ask myself why Connor came into my life. The question is answered. He is in my film. He is a good friend.

I was so angry when I came home last night. Our good-bye was pathetic. I could have been anyone.

“Richard has my number. Be well,” he said.

I said nothing. I was too out of it. I know he loves me.

Move forward. Be brave. Be single. Stop the cycle. Become whole. Use your story telling. Be alone. Be lonely. Be happy. Be sad. Be angry. Be calm. Be one.

There is so much to learn. There is so much to do. I have fears.

I am going to cleanse myself.

I must stop taking everything so selfishly. I must be all of these things. It is okay. Life is long. There are many possibilities for us. Not everything is about me.

I can't wait to be whole. I will know when the piece falls in place. It will just go plop!

I don’t want to talk about Connor. I knew it was over last night. I could tell. I knew at the party. I wanted to leave with the memory of yesterday morning, not the party. It was probably good that we didn’t. There was too much to hang on to.

I don’t need to hang on to those hugs -to those kisses.

Out of sight, out of mind?

We shall see.