out of the murk...

Core issues, belief systems, deep wounds, central delusion, karma, we all have that one thing that the rest of our lives spin around. These patterns of delusion keep us bound in our own chains. I picture it as a constant emotional current created by thought whirling around me. Unraveling our delusions is our purpose on earth.

My central delusion is that I am unlovable and it manifests constantly in my life from the day I was born to a week ago but now I see it as an illusion and I don’t hook into it. In other words, I no longer subscribe to that morphic field. The frequency of “I’m unlovable” no longer resonates with me.

So what does it look like in concrete terms? I was born into a family where my mother loved my sister more than me and my father loved every other child more than me. I was never the “chosen” one. Throughout my life, I have chosen men who I do not feel good around hoping they will discover my true essence and choose me, proving that I am lovable. Same with my friendships, I’m often the one least liked, called, invited, etc. (wow even writing about this feels yucky)

This delusion can also appear as fear of what’s not even manifest. For example, I feared my son would love The Souvenir more than me until I grappled that beast in my heart and head, living out the scenario and realizing at the end of it I was still alive. I thought I was going to die.

So how does one discover their core issue and why would one want to? To begin to unravel this beast, look at what you spend your days trying to prove and then go down a layer, then another layer, than another layer (spirituality is not for the faint of heart) until you hit the bottom, you’ll know when you’ve hit it. It will be what Oprah has coined an “A-ha” moment. Once you are aware of it, name it and whenever you feel that feeling tell it to go away, you are not interested. Make it fun, picture a monster and name it Vomit Breath or something.

Why do this? -Because there is too much love and beauty on this earth to live in the murk.