spiritual narcissist...

This morning I Googled “you can’t manipulate a conscious person” because I had recently heard this quote and was hoping I’d find who said it and the rest of the quote. I believe it ends with something like, “because a conscious person will just walk away.” I don’t think that’s exactly it but close.

What came up when I Googled the beginning of the quote was absolutely fascinating. The first thing that popped up was, “Can you manipulate a narcissist?” at WikiAnswer. I clicked over to the page and one of the answers was, “Somebody who uses you also gives you power over them, and the more they use you the more power they give you ... think about it. A very simple example is that if someone uses you as a meal ticket they have also given you total control over their financial welfare. They are dependent upon you not to see that aspect. As long as you are used you are useful, and as long as you are useful you have considerable power at your disposal, if you choose to use it to manipulate.

HOWEVER, should you choose to manipulate anyone, particularly for self gratification?

If you start to manipulate as a way of life what kind of person will you become? I am tempted to say: What does it profit a man if he gains a whole host of Narcissists, but loses his soul.”

OK, after reading this I knew I was in Spirit’s hands and being led to what I had not been able to see. I was once again twenty-five, deeply in love with a man that if he had said "eat my poop," I would have. When I'd go to visit him, I'd always show up with bottles of beer and wine, I loaned him $10,000 to make a movie, I let him live with me, I was the best kinky lover and I worked endlessly on his project all to prove he could not live without me, that he could not leave me. At the time I had no idea I was being manipulative. I had been sucked into his game, lost sight and something about it felt familiar. I was desperate and I wanted his love.

Following Spirit’s trail, I Googled, “narcissist meaning,” wanting a clinical description. I found this on Google Health.

Overview
Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which there is an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one's self.
Symptoms
A person with narcissistic personality disorder:
• Reacts to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
• Takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Has feelings of self-importance
• Exaggerates achievements and talents
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
• Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
• Requires constant attention and admiration
• Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
• Has obsessive self-interest
• Pursues mainly selfish goals
Treatment
Psychotherapy may help the affected person relate to others in a more positive and compassionate manner.
Causes
The cause of this disorder is unknown. Narcissistic personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood.
Tests & diagnosis
Personality disorders are diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms.
Prognosis
The outcome varies with the severity of the disorder.
Complications
• Relationship and family problems
• Alcohol or other drug dependence

How could I not have seen this before - all the men I have deeply loved are narcissists, starting with my father? Spirit was giving me a wake up call. I could go down this list and check off each one for the men I have had in my life and they all have similar behaviors like walking out without saying good-bye. There is nothing worse than having deeply rooted abandonment issues manifested by a man walking out without a good-bye.

The final piece of the puzzle was understanding the spiritual lingo often tossed out when I’m setting clear boundaries so I Googled, “spiritual narcissist” to see if anything popped up and it did, on WikiPedia, “Author Jorge Ferrer equates the terms though others draw a distinction that spiritual narcissism believes that one deserves love and respect or is better than another because one has accumulated spiritual training instead of the belief that accumulating training will bring an end to suffering.”

This morning I intended to write a blog entitled, “stumbling around in spirituality” about people using spiritual lingo in an inauthentic way. Instead I was lead on a cyber scavenger hunt to discover that I’m attracted to Spiritual Narcissists, which makes perfect sense because I was brought up in an emotionally abusive household by narcissists.

Today, after my discovery, I found myself angry and embarrassed but I also found myself liberated and healed.