same day, different year...

I have been writing in journals since I was eighteen. (This picture is actually of all my journals). I started writing when my parents got divorced (for the second time). It kept me sane.

A year ago, wanting to make use of some of this writing, I pulled excerpts from them for a writing exercise for class. I chose a random day, May 28th and transcribed an excerpt from that day for thirteen consecutive years. I did very little editing, except for when the excerpt didn’t make sense. In parenthesis I gave information for the sake of clarity or a brief explanation to add to the story. The result was quite fascinating, surprising and disturbing.

However, I will not say another word, (even though there is much to say). I will not fill your head with my own opinions of myself.

Enjoy...

May 28, 1989 - I'm 19
The conclusion has been drawn that there is absolutely nothing stable in my life except myself. If I let my happiness depend on anybody else than I am giving myself instability. I have made the decision to go to France. I am telling no one. I need to get away from everybody, from this city. People are driving me crazy.


May 28, 1990 - 20
Weird dream - I’m in Seattle by the Egyptian Theater. People are cutting slits in their wrists as they wait in line for “Jesus of Nazareth”. It makes me angry. I look up at the moon, it is about to explode. It blows the stars out of the sky as it comes down to earth. I hide in a crack in the wall. A woman appears surrounded in magenta light. It seems to be me but I don’t know. I had some sort of spiritual power.


May 28, 1991 - 21
I’m sitting here going crazy. Sky (my lover at the time) called and left a message saying he will meet me at the theater. He believes the curtain call is 8:00pm. It’s not. It’s at 7:00pm (before cell phones). He’s visiting his mother and will be back in town at 5:00pm. Why am I so frustrated? I wish he had called last night. I wish he had a bottle of wine with me on Saturday. It was his choice or perhaps it was HER (his girlfriend, she knew about me) choice not to meet me for a bottle of wine. This all seems so silly. It could have been simple. He must be anxious to see me. I don’t care if we go to the opera. I get more and more frustrated with my life. Last night I wanted to stab or cut myself. I don’t know why I didn’t. I just didn’t. (I’m still friends with Sky.)


May 28, 1992 - 22
I feel like quite the little girl here in London (I moved to London after graduating from college). I don’t know what to make of it. I’m sitting here at Shaftsbury Theater hoping to get a ticket for “A Slip Of The Tongue” starring John Malkovich. I have to find a place to live tomorrow. I also have an appointment at Harrods for a job (I got the job) and a catering company. If nothing pans out and Diane can’t help me get involved in theater I’ll go to Scotland and meet up with Alasdair and Donald. I know I must be involved in theater. (I lived in London six months, working at Harrods before returning to Seattle to work in theater.)


May 28, 1993 - 23
What do you do when you’ve come to the conclusion that the first love of your life is whom you are meant to be with, without question? Is it the time to say, “Yes, James I know it’s you. I need to know what you are thinking.” (James and I lost our virginity together when we were seventeen.) I’m at the point where I just can’t continue. Should we say we have shared something special but that’s it? We can’t have anything more but we’ll remain really good friends and not sleep together. I just need to know where he’s coming from. Every time I think it’s over, I think of him.

May 28, 1994 - 24
I have not written for so long, only when I am angry with John (the man I was living with). It’s not fair. I have started to read the journals of Anais Nin again. They have given me courage to begin writing again. I have felt my life is impassionate and boring since I have begun my involvement with John. I have a commitment now. I cannot easily climb into the comfort of another man’s bed for adventure. I realize my expectations for relationship were silly and it is much more work. I am still unsure of the benefits of being in a relationship except for financial security. For the one who makes you feel safe is also the one who hurts you more than ever.

I have not been writing but I have been suffering from an illness. I have been watching and letting someone else live my life. I have been restless and mean in my own insecurity. I hope I have found my way now. I have once again found the artist in me; the one who lives life for herself.

I still dream of James.

(James and I continued to be on-again-off-again lovers until 2006 when he was unable to payback $15,000 dollars he had borrowed from me. I had to hire a lawyer but I did get it back. Just last week Facebook suggested him as a “friend”.)


May 28, 1995 - 25
Tomorrow is John’s(we no longer lived together) birthday. I forgot to send him his card. I haven’t seen him for so long. It’s almost been three weeks. I have come to the realization that I have been used and come across a bit desperate because I want love so badly I will let men treat me like absolute shit. I put myself in horrible situations and hang on and have let myself be used. Perhaps I thought at one point it was exciting but really I think I did not believe in myself enough to think a man could truly love me. (Yes, a life long struggle.)

Being with John taught me more than I could possibly ever imagine. Because of my upbringing and lack of self worth I get into abusive relationships and stay there for too long.


May 28, 1996 - 26
Am I crazy? Am I?


May 28, 1997 - 27
Last summer I had a dream about a desperately sad figure of myself being wrapped in warmth and love, which was also me. I learned at that moment I could love myself. Spirit and soul became one.


May 28, 1998 - 28
I’m reading “Asylum”. It holds many truths about being mad. A state I understand fully. I am not sure why. I don’t know if it’s a past life or something else. The book is about a woman who gets involved in a sexually obsessed affair. She doesn’t question herself. She just loves. When I first got out of the relationship with Kurt (the man who broke my heart), I remember the peace that entered my soul. Actually, it wasn’t when I first got out of the relationship but when I was coming out of the mourning of the relationship. I was so broken and tired. I remember the calmness and peace during that time. I enjoyed being in my apartment and the simple pleasures of being alone. The soap in the soap dish was mine. I walked with grace and peace, which I never had before and it came from knowing what I had just been through. It was the acknowledgment of knowing the insanity and being on the other side of it. It was the power of having a secret.

This past year I have been living in the past; remembering Seattle in a romantic sort of way. Now I am here.


May 28, 1999 - 29
A year ago I was up in Seattle saying no to sex with my ex’s; Stone (a mad theater genius who healed my broken heart) and Kurt. I didn’t want to be sleep with them because I wanted to be sure and clear headed about my feelings for Clay (a lover in LA). We weren’t sleeping together at the time. I am clear about what I want I am very clear how I want to be treated. We’ll see. I must take a bath now. I’ll write more tonight.


May 28, 2000 - 30
I was just reading back a year ago. My thoughts were full of Clay. We had just gotten together the night before. We both knew what we were doing but pretended not to.

We were going to spend the night together.

“You know, I can’t sleep with you here,” I said. He got up to get another drink and smoke. He was naked. I sat up. He sat down next to me. His scent took me back to a different time and I was overcome with desire. “I’ve only ever seen you as sex,” he said.

“I think our problem is that we are too sexually attracted to each other but there is so much more there,” I replied.

“I’m happy with my life and I’m happy with her.”

I ran my hand along his thigh. We looked into each others eyes wondering what to do next. “Our relationship sort of messed me up,” I said. “Other men aren’t able to satisfy me and they know it.” He kissed me and I fell back with him on top of me. CLICK! We froze, reminded that what we were doing was wrong.

“I need to go,” I said.

“I do to,” he said grabbing his clothes.

In the elevator, l kissed him, knowing it might be the last opportunity I'd ever have to kiss him. (and it was) He walked me to my car. “Are we ok,” I asked.

“We are always, okay,” he said as he kissed me good-bye.

(Clay went on to have a successful television career and is still married to the woman he was with at the time. They have a child.)


May 28, 2001 - 31
I’m exhausted and have lost much of my enthusiasm. I am unhappy. I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s age. When you are young it’s all about the future. When you get older it’s all about what you should do. The choices get bigger and scarier because it makes a bigger difference.


May 28, 2002 - 32
“You are too steady for her, she goes for madmen. I tell her to calm down but she never will. She wants it to be the Pentecost everyday.”

“The Passion” by Jeanette Winterson