flashback friday (1996)...
This is a farewell letter I wrote to the man who broke my heart.June 8, 1996
B,
I realize things are difficult now. I opened my soul to you and this happens rarely in my life. I hate loss and I don’t believe things stay the same forever. They are always changing and moving. People are always growing. I always accepted you for who you are and only wanted to assist you and support you in your endeavors.
I kept thinking that one day I would wake up and I wouldn't love you. I thought the magic that surrounds me when I'm with you would disappear. It never did. It grew each day and the shadow that followed each day was that one-day you would walk out the door. It scared me and so I acted irrationally, angry, jealous.
I realize we will be a part of each other’s lives somehow in some capacity. I never close doors forever.
I must be honest and say I have never loved as I have loved you.
I have not felt this much pain in my life. It has affected me physically. I do not blame you for my pain. We are two separate people and must do what's right for our own selves.
I will miss the way you make me laugh. I know you believe that my relationship to you is based on sex but that is farthest from the truth. My attraction to you was what you said, our conversations, and our time spent together. Sex just lifted my spirit high and fed my soul in a way that I never thought possible.
Please do not feel stifled by this letter or me. It's just a way of expressing myself. I have written you many letters all of which I have thrown away.
I cherish what we've shared. I will have fond memories of it forever. I will miss the smell of your hair and the way your skin feels. If I never find this again at least I have known it, the feeling.
Comments
i feel heavy with memory.
I remember a poem in Tamil.
In a life with love
There may be thorns...
In a life without love
There are no roses!!
(Don't remember the poets name)
Flash 55 - Holiday Preparations
The letter is beautiful, expressing sentiments that many of us recognize...
Have a lovely Friday.;)
xo
Zuzana
But Stacey, I realize sometimes we just can't love too much. They run away, they feel stifled.
Have a great weekend!
hugs hugs
But life always goes where it should. If I had stayed on the J path, I never would have met and married the love of my life - my husband, Larry.
Still, your words bring back painful memories. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry I had to go through that. But I'm glad we both survived. I know I'm better for it. Hoping the same for you, my friend.
In retrospect, I can only thank God that he broke up with me so I could get on with my life without his cheating, drinking, unemployment and the list goes on.
In my early 20's I didn't have the respect for myself that I should have had and that is probably why he had been attracted to me in the first place.
20 years later and I'm married to a wonderful, employed man who thinks the world of me.
Imagine what my life would have been like with the old boyfriend who I thought I couldn't live without!
Claus,
I've moved on from my moments in Flashback fridays. This one was over thirteen years ago. It is a part of my journey because I've choses to share this moments but it doesn't "heal" anything. Most of my journal stuff is already healed.
Great questions!
much love
Renee xoxo
I agree with Renee...Better to have loved and lost...think of how many people don't have a chance to feel this kind of pain.
I look back at my old loves and wonder...what did they teach me?! :)
this letter is something else.
you and i would enjoy one another over coffee, stacey.
xoxo
i still have a copy of my "farewell note" to my friend - [stacey, see if you can find it over at words unspoken :) ] which i handed him at our last meeting - and which he asked to read aloud while i was still there - and he did - but there were SO many things left unspoken but which we both had said with just a touch or a glance or a smile - you know what i'm sayin'!
beautiful poignant post! lovely of you to share such beauty!
(((hugs))),
love,
me