flashback friday...

Based on the enthusiasm from my post “same day different year…” I thought it would be interesting to do a series called “flashback friday…,” where I pick a random day and year from my old journals and transcribe it. So this morning, I pulled my journal from 1996, the one “Dedicated to my love, Kurt” (I mentioned him in my previous post.) He was the man who broke my heart. And I mean broke it. Within one month of him leaving, I had lost thirty pounds and was a shadow of my former self. This was my dark night of the soul and it lasted for several years.

But anyway, this morning while drinking tea with not enough time to work on my book, (I allowed myself extra sleep because Goom and I were up in the middle of the night soothing the horrible rash he has on his knees), I perused my 1996 journal in search of a day to transcribe. I was looking for something profound and revealing. Hoping for something well written but I couldn’t find it.

What I found was a carousel of men circling around me and it wasn’t in a sexy-diva sort of way. The relationships were complex and intertwined like the roots of an old tree. There was so much passion and sorrow. I began to question the very idea of “flashback fridays…” and yet here I am, writing about it so there must be something to it.

I continued to sip my tea, safe in my current life and read page after page of the raw scribbling of a twenty-five-year-olds search for self through men. I was the little girl in “The Red Shoes” dancing and spinning uncontrollably, passions sated, fruits devoured, chances taken and reason ignored. I was intoxicated and wild, seductive and strong but also incredibly lost. I had no instincts. I could not hear my intuition. I looked to be saved by each “Blue Beard” that past through my door and there were several.

But wait…here; I will give you a taste…

January 24, 1996 (I’m 25)

You never know what life is going to throw you. James (my first love, and on again off again lover of nine years at the time) was just over. He told me, “You are the one I let get away.” He seemed sad but he is also the one who let me go. He didn’t want me but now he does. For the first time in my life I’m tired of all these men from my past. The allure is gone. I don’t know if I’m in love with him now.

January 27, 1996

Later that night, Kurt knocked on my door, blacked-out drunk. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I shouldn’t let him leave but Jay (my lover at the time) was sleeping upstairs so I couldn’t let him in. Kurt has no idea I’m dating someone else. He scares me when he’s blacked-out. He could easily kill me, himself or a stranger and not remember.

So here goes my story. I’ve been seeing Jay for a month but haven’t forgotten over Kurt. I think about him all the time. It drives me crazy. Friday night I went to see Kurt in a play and we had a beer in the back when the show was over. He flirted with me and I just wanted to go back to how things were. I had missed him. I wanted to take him home and make love to him but I had to meet up with Jay so I couldn’t. When I did meet up with Jay he was drunk but we ended up having a fantastic night anyway. He spent the night and the next day I took him home. He said he’d call in a couple hours.

Back home, Sky (my on-again-off-again lover of five years and I had just slept with him five months previous to this) had called. He came over for drinks and dinner. After finishing a bottle of wine we decided to go see Kurt at the theater. (Yes, that’s right I was about to spend the evening with two of my lovers, this happened often in my life. One time I was in a car with four men all having been my lovers at one time, absolutely scandalous!) Kurt was on his way to see a short film he was in that a friend of ours had directed so we all went. After, we went back to my place. We drank another bottle of wine. Sky decided to leave and offered Kurt a ride. He said no. Sky left. Kurt and I sat listening to music that a friend (soon to be lover of mine in the next year) had recorded. Kurt was using the music in a film he had shot.

As we sat there smoking and finishing our wine, I couldn’t take it. I kissed him hard on the mouth. I wanted to disappear into him. We kissed and kissed as if it was the first time. Then we would stop, smoke and talk. It wasn’t long before we our way to the bedroom. He held me tight that night.

In the morning he asked if his performance had made me cry. I said it hadn’t until the next day.

“I’ve seen you act in love twice and I don’t know if you are capable of loving.”

“I’ve been in love twice and I won’t let myself again,” he said.

I believe that if he would allow himself he would love me. I often feel that he is angry for wanting to be with me or loving me.

What makes me angry is Jay never called…

OK, so you get the picture, “Red Shoes” dancing out of control. I wish I could say I regret it or perhaps I just feel it’s expected that I should regret behaving in such an unladylike manner but to be honest I don’t. I am, as Goom called me last night, fearless. I lived life to the fullest and devoured every morsel.

I still live life to the fullest but it manifests differently. I no longer hunger for quick fixes trying to fill a hole that could not be filled with outside sources whether it be food, sex, alcohol, or drugs. I am filled. I have no more holes. It was a long journey but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am a wise woman and I am thankful.

Will I continue to do "flashback fridays..."? I'm open to it if you are...