a full human being...

Today I was at the chiropractor's for a “wellness check.” As I lied down on the table for a mini-massage the therapist asked if I had my son this past weekend. “Yes,” I said debating whether or not to tell her the rest of the story and then decided to.
“Now I have him every weekend because BD (baby’s-daddy) has left town for three months for work.”
“You are a full human being now, self sacrificing,” she said in her Lithuanian accent as she ran her strong fingers down the edges of my spine squeezing out all the stress. Yes, a full human being, I thought as I melted under her touch.

Last week, when I first read BD’s email, I wasn’t so relaxed. I was in shock. Even though my Spidey-sense had told me they would be leaving town sometime in the fall, it still took me by surprise. Just one little email, “I’m going to New Orleans for three months for work…” and all of our lives are changed, possibly forever. It’s like a pebble hitting a still pool of water, the ripples continue. However, I quickly gathered my senses and responded cooly as if he had emailed me about the weather. I was all business. I told him I wanted the child support we had agreed to (which he hadn’t been able to pay) and Christmas. He agreed and the deal was done. Now I was a fulltime single mom and he was pretty much gone.

It took a bit of time for the meaning of my new role to really sink in. On the way home from work that day in the privacy of my car, I cried, and cried and cried. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to do it, soccer practice, soccer games, holidays, full time job, writing a book, writing a blog…etc. I’ve always had my “Stacey-time.” It’s what helps me be a great mom. How would I be without it? Would I be the enemy while Goom worships his invisible father? I had now idea. I let my tears pour and my mind spin round and round. I let it all hang out and then slowly the tears stopped flowing and my mind slowed down.

And then all the good started to flow in. I would no longer have to worry about the Souvenir blowing smoke in my child’s face, Goom getting hurt because of negligence, Goom getting hit by a car while riding a bike through the crowded streets of LA without a helmet, Goom getting to school late, Goom being hungry at school because he’s not packed a lunch he likes, wearing socks with giant holes, running with a lollipop in his mouth, wearing clothes that don’t fit, wearing dirty clothes, riding in cars that aren’t safe, being exposed to things like flasks and large amounts of drinking, seeing his father smoke, thinking he needs to take care of his father financially(no joke)…(you get the idea. These are not fabricated worries. They are founded.)

And then it hit me that I will not have to look at BD’s face or interact with him in person for three months and this was the biggest gift of all. I have not had a break from him since June of 2002 when I got pregnant and a lot of not-so-pretty-stuff has happened since.

And beyond all this negative positive, I get to be with my son. We get to create a home, a rhythm, it will just be us, relaxed and happy with all sorts of time for those special moments. This is a dream come true.

BD’s three month move to New Orleans will shift everything. Every action creates a reaction. I already feel a shift in me. It feels like a home coming. I can finally relax. I know my schedule and I can depend on it. I don’t fear the verbal abuse and I know my child is safe. Perhaps I will heal fully and become strong so his words will have less of an effect on me.

Maybe, in our case, it's not time but space that will heal our wounds. In the meantime, Goom knows he can call, text, email his father whenever he needs to.

I am a self-sacrificing, full human being and it feels GREAT!