flashback friday (1989)...

March 4, 1989 (I'm 19)

I'm uneasy. I don't know why. I feel as if I'm waiting for something. Is it because I’m so content with life? I now realize “happily ever after” was a dream from watching too many movies. I find myself at B&O Espresso quite often. I like it there because I can be alone with other people. Perhaps, it’s because I’m waiting for A. I enjoy talking to him...

We have had one long conversation. We know too much about each other to just say “Hi” and pass each other but perhaps that is what will happen. Our conversation will be forgotten. This would be very disappointing but I would deal with it.

I hope for friendship, love and intimacy with A.

I pulled coffee and glanced up at the water fountain hoping he’d be there. It usually only took three glances before he appeared, smiling, tossing his curls. It was delightful. He always knew when I needed him most. We became very good friends.

He was a musician, his voice like liquid fire. His hands on his guitar put me in a trance. I never wanted to leave. He loved David Bowie and eating healthy. He drove a cool old motorcycle and worked at Café Dilettante as a bartender. We lived on the same street and always knew where to find each other.

May 3, 1989

It’s already May. It’s so beautiful. I don’t think I could ever be as happy as I am right now. A and I went out on his bike tonight. I wanted to ride off with him. He is so beautiful inside and out. I have never felt like this before. I want his happiness. I would do anything for his happiness. Even if his happiness is another woman. So be it. You know the saying, “If you love something set it free, if it comes back...” that’s me and A. Do I love him? I don’t know. I love being with him. I can’t imagine not being with him. Is this the essence of true love? Is it possible?

July 6, 1989

I’m about to write something that sounds really stupid but I think I love and am in love with A.

August 20, 1989 (I’m in Paris traveling Europe for a six weeks)

I just called A. It was good to hear his voice. “Now I’m in a good mood,” he said. I know I shouldn’t have called, only having been gone a week. He asked me to send him a post card so he could send me something. He told me nothing had changed like I’d been gone forever. He was excited to hear my voice. He makes me so happy. I know someday I will laugh at this, looking back because I’m either with him, I’m in love with another man or because nothing has changed.

Our relationship was the most innocent love. I never told him of my feelings and I never knew his. I guessed he saw me only as a sister, nothing more. We never kissed or held hands but we loved.

Our lives grew distant and then we disappeared from each other. A chance meeting several years later, far from our memories united us. I recognized his hands. They were my proof.

He was married. I had a child. Much time had passed but no time had passed. We had changed but were exactly the same. It felt sacred. The past, future and present stood still and only love remained.

Throughout the years, I've fallen in love with all the wrong men and I've wondered if I'm capable of being in love with the right man but A. is proof that I am (having been in love with him twenty years ago). I am thankful for his friendship. He makes me giggle, he has my back and he knows me well....nothing has changed.

Goom "driving" A's car after a soccer game. So fun!